Monday, November 30, 2009
Memories
Have you ever had a memory come back to you so vividly and unexpectedly that it stopped you in your tracks?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Changing Your Heart
Life is full of symmetry.
It has a funny way of teaching you things that are definitely not a "ha ha" kind of funny. It's been three months to the day that my very first "real" relationship ended and oddly enough, two years (and a month) since I've written a blog. At the end of this whole break-up stage I'm left with just one emotion. I've gone through what seems like every emotion in the book during that relationship and even more in the three months since it's demise, but all I've come away with is gratitude. Seems like a strange emotion to be associated with a messy break-up, but there it is. I'm grateful to my ex for this insanely intense learning curve. I can't imagine having learned so many life lessons in such a short time span.
When the thing you most fear in this life happens, and you live through it and somehow manage to learn and grow from it, what else is there to be scared of? It's a freeing feeling. I've learned that there is so much more to my life than gaining the affection and achieving or being the dreams of someone else's. I've realized that my closest circle of friends are even more invested in my life than I am. When someone hurts just because they see you hurt, you learn how deep their love runs for you. It shows when someone gets hot because someone else has done you wrong. You find out who truly cares about your well-being when you find yourself at the bottom of a hole and you can't find your way out without help.
It's startling how much your perspective and emotions can change over the course of time. I loved this guy, first as a friend, then as a boyfriend/husband, to now only loving him as a human being. How is the human heart capable of such things? I still at times find myself curious as to what he's up to, but I resist checking his fb to find out. And now, I find myself thinking about him less and less. I feel like he had consumed my thoughts there for awhile, and I couldn't find anything else to think about but him. I feel like now the wool is kind of coming off my eyes and I'm realizing the little things that happened in our relationship that finally make me realize that he never loved me the way he said he did. That really helps me to move on. Just to gain perspective on the whole relationship as an objective person is so beneficial to me. I feel more like my regular old black and white self! Yay! I'm finding myself again! I had lost so much of me to him, and now those pieces are coming back and fitting better than ever! Before I dated him, I never REALLY paid attention to my "single" status. I'd totally been okay on my own, but when the thought of a potential boyfriend came into view and he was such a sweet talker/liar I like lost my mind. I got stupid for a boy in uniform. Damn sexy uniforms!! Haha! :) But now I'm okay again. I'll always love him as a human being and will always hope he's happy and healthy, but that's it. I don't ever want to get back with him, and I'm totally awesome with never seeing or speaking to him ever again. That chapter of my life is over.
If God has someone in store for me later on in life, I will be grateful for him. I'm certain we will have a great and healthy relationship with God at the center. But if God knows that I can't handle loving someone romantically, then I'm okay with that too. Truly okay with that. I'm just happy to be happy. :)
It has a funny way of teaching you things that are definitely not a "ha ha" kind of funny. It's been three months to the day that my very first "real" relationship ended and oddly enough, two years (and a month) since I've written a blog. At the end of this whole break-up stage I'm left with just one emotion. I've gone through what seems like every emotion in the book during that relationship and even more in the three months since it's demise, but all I've come away with is gratitude. Seems like a strange emotion to be associated with a messy break-up, but there it is. I'm grateful to my ex for this insanely intense learning curve. I can't imagine having learned so many life lessons in such a short time span.
When the thing you most fear in this life happens, and you live through it and somehow manage to learn and grow from it, what else is there to be scared of? It's a freeing feeling. I've learned that there is so much more to my life than gaining the affection and achieving or being the dreams of someone else's. I've realized that my closest circle of friends are even more invested in my life than I am. When someone hurts just because they see you hurt, you learn how deep their love runs for you. It shows when someone gets hot because someone else has done you wrong. You find out who truly cares about your well-being when you find yourself at the bottom of a hole and you can't find your way out without help.
It's startling how much your perspective and emotions can change over the course of time. I loved this guy, first as a friend, then as a boyfriend/husband, to now only loving him as a human being. How is the human heart capable of such things? I still at times find myself curious as to what he's up to, but I resist checking his fb to find out. And now, I find myself thinking about him less and less. I feel like he had consumed my thoughts there for awhile, and I couldn't find anything else to think about but him. I feel like now the wool is kind of coming off my eyes and I'm realizing the little things that happened in our relationship that finally make me realize that he never loved me the way he said he did. That really helps me to move on. Just to gain perspective on the whole relationship as an objective person is so beneficial to me. I feel more like my regular old black and white self! Yay! I'm finding myself again! I had lost so much of me to him, and now those pieces are coming back and fitting better than ever! Before I dated him, I never REALLY paid attention to my "single" status. I'd totally been okay on my own, but when the thought of a potential boyfriend came into view and he was such a sweet talker/liar I like lost my mind. I got stupid for a boy in uniform. Damn sexy uniforms!! Haha! :) But now I'm okay again. I'll always love him as a human being and will always hope he's happy and healthy, but that's it. I don't ever want to get back with him, and I'm totally awesome with never seeing or speaking to him ever again. That chapter of my life is over.
If God has someone in store for me later on in life, I will be grateful for him. I'm certain we will have a great and healthy relationship with God at the center. But if God knows that I can't handle loving someone romantically, then I'm okay with that too. Truly okay with that. I'm just happy to be happy. :)
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